missing him...

I have always wanted to put my thoughts down and see how it makes me feel, does it help you move past, does it help you deal with situations you are in because it doesn't keep you awake at night? So, with the events of this past week, I am officially starting the blog that I have always wanted t, a o.

This past week, I lost one of the most important men in my life, my grandfather. He was such an amazing man. Someone you looked at and always wanted to be like...his character was unlike anyone I have ever met - it was his own. He had his own strong opinions on life and everything else. He stood by them and believed he knew what was best for himself and his family. He loved life and lived it to its fullest. He was supposed to be here forever, he was supposed to be on the today show with his 100th birthday and Willard Scott saying, "contributes his long life to, reading, martinis and my grandchildren keeping me young". He was 13 years shy of that 100th birthday and I am forever sad about that.

He died unexpectedly, so I never really got to say goodbye, I never got to give him that last hug and kiss goodbye. I didn't get to hear that "hey there old girl" with a clap and a big hug waiting at the end. I never got to give him a great-grandchild, a Chestnut tree or any of the other things that I wanted to do for him. I regret so much right now that it just hurts. It is painful on the inside and out...I wasn't ready for him to die. I started thinking that that is too selfish...I wasn't ready for him to die, but maybe he was ready to go and I just have to start to deal with that.

So, that is what I am doing right now, grieving for the man that left my life...I miss him and I love him and not a day goes by that I won't think of him. I am so blessed to have the time that I had with him and most importantly have him in my life.

I will say though, that thru his death it taught me that there might not be a tomorrow, so live today like it is the fullest...say everything you want, tell everyone you love them and those who are voting against you - forget them, surround yourself with people that love you and support you. With people who want you to be everything you can and you want the same for them. Time is short and tomorrow might never happen for you, so why live with regrets, why live with what if's? Why do that to yourself, say what you have to say and live life the way you want and don't worry about anyone else who doesn't want the best for you. These are words that are hard to implement, but after loosing someone who was so important to me with no notice, I have decided to live by them...

I am now going to have to live with the what if I would have gone and seen my grandpa the night before he died instead of working late? Would I have given him the hug I didn't give him on Sunday? Would he have really known before he died that he was important as he was to me? I don't want any of my friends or family to ever wonder how I felt about them, so I love you all and I am so blessed to have you in my life. I know sometimes I get too busy to say it, but I love you all so much, more than I can express.

I want to give a big thank you and I love you to my husband, Brad. I couldn't have even made it thru a moment of this week without your support. This has been the lowest time for me since we were married and I am truly blessed to have you in my life. Thanks for letting me cry whenever I wanted and letting me breakdown when I needed to. I couldn't have made it thru it without you. You are an amazing person and as my Grandpa always said, I am lucky to have you in my life. Here is to our life together - making it all it can be.

To my family and friends who were there for me this week, you are amazing and I love you all!